He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
