Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
