I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
