allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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