if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
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she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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