I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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