Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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