I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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