we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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