You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
