I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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