You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
