Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
