the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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