you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
