My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
