drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
