i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
