i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
