We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
