if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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