I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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