I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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