Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
