I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
