I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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