One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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