are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
