remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
