I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
