your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
