Sponge bath it is.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Life without a bra equals bliss.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
