Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.