I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
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Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I believe in your delicious
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...