There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
