I think I won the penis lottery.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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