Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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