i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just found a bag of teeth...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
