he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Let's get the cat blown out
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
