i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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