How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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