Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
