you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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