Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize