I just made out with a guy for $7.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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