respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
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Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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