clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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