I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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