If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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