my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
