I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
