Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
