you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I have peed in a lot of sinks
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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