Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
