i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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