people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
