I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
