I can't watch pbs sober anymore
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
