My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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