Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
